Grace

Searching and trying to find my way

Alone and in the valley of my own mess

Regrets and shame are served each day

And yet, I still continue

The miry pit has a lot of space

For those who are like me

The dirt and the mud on my down turned face

I want no one to see

Stumbling and tripping as I search

God is right there and waiting for me

And yet the distractions are doing their job

And so I turn and flee

And yet, He is still waiting

For me to turn my head

And run into his loving arms

And dry the tears I shed.

Thank You, Lord

The only words that I can speak are “Thank You, Lord”

My heart is full of gratitude for all that you have given us.
Thank you, Lord

You have opened doors
You have shown favor
You have healed
You have blessed
Thank you Lord,

As we venture into another challenge
As we climb from the valley
Thank you, Lord

Blessed

I am blessed in so many ways

From the pain that I feel
To the food that I eat
To the air that I breathe.

The pain could be worse
The food could be sparse
The air could be gone from my lungs.
Yes, I am blessed


From the family that loves
To the friends that care
Yes, I am blessed

Feast

The sleep that evades me is so desperately needed

The dreams that follow keep me in confusion
The people I dream of
Friends of the past life
I lived many years ago
I have to wonder why
Why are they sitting at the table with me?
What is the relevance to it all; I have to ponder.
The people that drift in and out of my dreams are from so many years ago
We are breaking bread together
Are we at the Lord’s table, per chance?
Is this God’s way of letting me know my fears
My deepest fear
Is for naught?
That forgiveness is abundant
Much like the feast that I attend with my friends

Am I being shown these people for a reason,
Or is it simply chance?

Weary

Truth will prevail, but only if you allow it to
What truths are you afraid to see, my child?
Are you afraid that maybe, just maybe, you have been wrong?
Are you afraid that maybe, just maybe I am real?
Are you fearful that my love for you has been voided by your disbelief?

Your fear is seen by Me
I want to help you overcome and be a conqueror
Meet me halfway I will be there to guide you
My hand is outstretched and waiting to grab you from the pit

Trust me
Believe in me
Abide in me and I will give you rest



Oh God, I am fearful
The forces that have taken hold of me are stronger than I can fight
I’ve tried for years, Lord
I’ve tried for year to no avail.
The more I fight and call on Jesus, the stronger they appear
It is only when I stop that they stop
It’s like that chains that bind are tighter as I fight and relax when I stop
Only to allow me to go deeper in the pit

The grip on my mind is like a claw of the raven, resting on my skull
Piercing deep into the flesh and into my brain
I’m afraid to fight anymore.
I’m too weak

Direction

Oh my gosh so much to do so much to say so much to accomplish in such a short time
My mind is like a humming bird flitting from one thought to another
Once again out of control with all the possibilities
The options that lay before me are vast
Too vast in as much as I am overwhelmed with which way to go
I need to stop and focus
Yet I cannot
My mind won’t let me
So I drift hither and yon in my mind
Getting caught in the crevices of what could be and what will be and what is now
The list grows longer with every thought



Lord, help me to focus on what is most important at this time. Help me to prioritize and not lose track of what I need to do.
Direct my path, Lord.
Direct my path

Wheels of my mind

The wheels of my mind are spinning almost out of control.
They have dug ruts in the miry clay that seem to keep me captive
Ruts that represent my failed aspirations and desires
Deeper and deeper they become
I’m stuck

As I dream of using my gifts and talents to help support those that I love;
I see that all I’m doing is dreaming.
The challenges I come against are typically self induced.
Distractions
Lack of focus
Lack of belief... in my myself

Excitement turns to fear
Fear that only helps to distract even more.

The only option is to push through.
To regain focus
To trust that what is in my heart
To believe in my self

Lord, I pray that you will help me to make some sense of the mess in my mind. That you will clear my thoughts and help me to become more focused and know what I am to do. Give me clear direction so that I am not simply spinning my wheels and going nowhere.

It's a choice

I've been MIA, I know.  Lots of distractions.  I was at work yesterday and just simply closed my eyes, and typed.  This is what came from that action

As I look in the mirror of my mind I see images of the past

The past that seems to have forged my future
The past that seems to have defined my now

I carry the burdens of those images deep within my very soul

The hurt,
The pain
The disappointment

But even now, I am choosing to look past the images and dwell instead on the happier times
To focus on those who did not make me feel less than I am
To focus on those who encourage me

To remember the laughter
The smiles
The joy.

People come and go in our lives. That is a constant
However, how you let them define you; well that is all on you.

What will you do with the paths that have crossed yours?
The paths of those who have let you down…
I simply choose to nod, smile and move on

There is a world where love is abounding. I am sure that is so.
Am I ready to go there? No.
I have much left to share with others.
I have my gifts and talents.
Some of which I have not yet tapped in to.

I pray to you, Oh God, to please help me to focus on the positive. Help me to look past the indifference and the falseness that is around me. I am a cracked vessel and I need your loving stitches to mend me, to heal me and to make me whole again.

Shhh.... can you hear it?

For a few weeks now, I've been feeling that tug again.... that small, still, voice calling me to turn to Him.  He misses me.  Yet I am afraid....

I don't really know what exactly I am afraid of.  Could it be that I am afraid that, like Isaiah felt, I am unclean, therefore not worthy?  Could it be I'm afraid of being wrong?  That I'm not hearing what I think I'm hearing?  Been there before...  Could I be afraid of stepping out of my comfort zone into an area of uncomfortableness..(is that even a word?)?  Could I be afraid of looking stupid?  Well, the answer is yes to all of those fears.  

I realize that my fear comes from a lack of understanding.  It comes from not trusting Him.  But especially, it comes from not trusting ME.   I am oh so insecure in my role as a child of God.  I've sat under several doctrines that were, uhm... confusing, for lack of a better word.  I trusted and got hurt.  I believed and got confused.  So I'm gun shy, so to speak. 

I need to get back in His Word and spend time talking to Him so that I will know His voice when I hear it.  I need to get back into spending quiet time with Him.  I need to stop making excuses for why I don't... Now that I know what I need to do, it's execution time, for the kazillionth time!

Best Laid Plans.... Seriously??

When my plans get thwarted, I find myself getting irritated.  Saturday was one of those days... I had great plans...

I had made an appointment to get a massage (my hubby gave me the certicate for Valentines Day)... Decided I needed a pedi and what would be even sweeter than to stop at Micky D's and get a Mocha Frappe to enjoy while reading my book on my ipod touch?...

Sigh... plans made... what could go wrong??  Well, let me tell you....

My iPod touch needed updating.... no big deal... plenty of time... WRONG... something glitched and it needed to be totally restored to factory settings... OMG  what am I going to read now while getting my toes did??   No worries, Plan B  I'll grab a magazine and do some light reading... I can go with the flow here...

First stop... McDonalds for a tasty Frappe...  AWESOME.. there is NOBODY in the drive thru line!!  Feeling good!! ... until the attendant says... I'm sorry we can only take cash... our machines are down.. Are you kidding me?  I got no cash!!  That wasn't part of the plan..   Oh well, it's ok...  Plan B I'll just grab a tea by the nail salon... All is not lost.... humph....

Get to the salon to sign in and then go grab my tea... wait a minute... why are there so many people hanging around there? Oh no, say it isn't so... PLEASE... yup, it is ... they are slammed busy... Plan B AGAIN... I hop back in the car and hit up another salon... who takes me right away.. (how am I supposed to get my drink?)...Plan B goes into action yet again.. I'm not dying here... I can wait....

Finished up with the toes... would have been nice to have been sipping my Frappe, and reading my book loaded on my ipod, but, I'm flexible... I can adjust...  While I was there, I remembered that I had left the directions to the new location of our massage therapist at home..  No wories...Toes are done... just jump in the car and go to Walmart to grab something so I can use my debit card (and get some cash), run home to get my directions and then just ride back to McD's for my beloved Frappe... Simple enough

At Walmart, I grab a token item to purchase, run to the check out line..  wait patiently for my turn... and walah... I'm ready to check out.. get my cash... and move on... Swipe my card.... tell it I want cash (cause I also have to pay the sitter), and for some reason there was a glitch in THEIR system.... GRRR  I only made a purchase because I wanted to avoid another stop at an ATM...

SOOO... home I go to grab my directions... and next stop... ATM to ge cash... It better be working is all I can say!!!  (Not that I could do anything about it were it not working!)  WHEEEEE!   It worked... now if the traffic runs correctly, I can make a stop at McD's and get something to eat... hmmmm drive thru is slammed... I shall park and go inside to save time!!!   Well, that went well... UNTIL I decide to back out of my parking space and the non thinking people waiting for the drive thru have unnecessarily blocked me in... Deep breath... it's ok... I still have time to make it and not be late !!  Good think I am going for a massage to ease tension!!!    By the way... Dana was amazing... he even gave me extra time to make sure that the knots were relaxed and my muscles were loose!   

It seems that my plans were thwarted at every turn... I have to wonder though, what else was planned for me that has not come into fruition.  What have I been missing out on that I don't even know about.  Just curious...

Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

A Word For Me.....

This was posted on FB yesterday... Just a random post from a friend....  I receive it and welcome it..

"I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols. I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you. I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws." Ezekiel 36:25-27

Hello? Are you there?

I think I need another wire to connect with Him because, well, this one must be broken.... Hello?  Can you hear me?  Maybe if I get down on my knees I can get a better reception...  

There has been a lot going on in my life the past month or so.  I sometimes feel like I am spinning out of control and cannot find the handle to hold on to that will slow me down.  I know that He is trying to get my attention but the busyness of life is blocking the call.  It's like I'm on one side of the street and I hear Him, but just as I look, a big honking bus drives by and blocks my view.  So I keep walking down the street, in the wrong direction, clueless of my surroundings and the danger I am in.  Oh but for the grace of God and His mercy to keep me from getting into too much trouble.   

I'm reminded of Malia...  I tell her to stop doing something… and she says "OK" (so I know she hears me!) all the while continuing to do what she is being told to stop doing… I tell her again, in a little sharper tone to my voice…. And she says "OK, mommy"  and all the while continuing what she is doing… By the third time, I am getting angry because she is not listening to me.  "Seriously, Malia... I said STOP!" and the butt bumping begins...   Sigh... not unlike me and Daddy God....

I guess you are probably tired of hearing me whine and moan about how I know where I need to be, I just don't go there.  People, let me tell you, the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak... I get that analogy now.... I never understood it before...but I do now!   I WANT to be back where I was before with Him..... but it's like there is a big claw on my head turning me away from there.  That claw has been there for years.  I use to be stronger and able to fight against it.  Right now, it appears that claw is stronger than I.  What do I need to do to be able to fight back? 


Clearly, I'm doing a lot of things wrong...  I need to be stronger, and need to listen closer... I have noticed that of late I am bored with the online things that have caught my eye previously.... could it be that He is trying to get me to get back in His Word?  It has been quite a while... I think I may give that a try this evening and see.... 

 Psalm 23 (King James Version)

1The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. 2He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. 3He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

4Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. 5Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. 6Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.

Need to make some changes....

Well... we did it!  We are buying a new to us car.  We have been so cramped in our little Accent with Malia getting bigger.  My knees have a special place in the dash board on the passenger side....

If you know me, you know that I do NOT like to incur debt.  But alas, there was no other way....   My BFF is getting a new car and she is going to sell me her old one.  YIPPEE!!!  My knees will be able to move!!!  OH NO... I have incurred a commitment to a loan... what if... what if... what if...

So.... Last night, as I went to bed, it was on my mind ... but I feel better about it today.  I had a dream... first one that I can remember in a long time (I used to have them often).... in my dream I was in a church (actually it was my mom's church, sort of) and I could hear someone saying to me... Sing your praise to God and it will be ok ... So I give all glory to God for placing this opportunity in our hands.  He knew our needs and he opened a door for us.  He will provide!! 

My jouney back thru the desert.... again

sigh...

I've seemed to have a propensity to dwell in the desert... I've been going back to my cave.  My dark, cold, shelter.  It's not that I like the extreme heat or cold... but it appears;  from my actions these past few months, that I've grown weaker instead of stronger in my faith.  It's like I am fluttering in the wind.. a dry lifeless leaf that has fallen from the tree.  The very tree that provided life (and still would had I not allowed the winds to blow me away). 

The past few months I have felt that I've been blocked in my writing.  That is because I have been blocked.   I have lost focus of my faith, my purpose, and my God.  I have been more engrossed in playing with my iPod touch than spending time in the word.  I have been more engrossed with anything to keep my mind occupied to the point that I was not even noticing the random thumps on the head.  He has been waiting patiently for me, though.  He is a gentleman and will not force Himself on me. 

So.... I start my journey once again... for the umpteenth time.  One thing that does keep flowing thru my mind is a song by Donnie McClurkin  

We fall down, but we get up
We fall down, but we get up
We fall down, but we get up
For a saint is just a sinner who fell down,
and got up

God's grace and mercy endures forever.... that is why every time I fall down, he sends someone to help me back up.   (Thank you, Mary)

Again, it's time to get back on the branch....


John 15:5
"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.

Sigh

I have had quite a week here both at work and in my personal life....  I am trying to hang on as I type and release the emotions.   

I'm having a hard time keeping in the tears today for some reason.... I'm frustrated that words get taken out of context and feelings get hurt.   I'm sad a good friend will be leaving soon halfway across the country.... I'm distracted by things running thru my mind that take me off task at work...... I'm having a hard time smiling... But most of all, I'm having a hard time accepting the fact that I know that happiness is a choice and yet, I' choosing to be sad/overwhelmed.... SNAP OUT OF IT!! 

I believe that God has a plan and even though we have free will, he does offer you many opportunities to walk in His plan.   Is that what is happening now?   I don't know for sure.  I do know that I have been, to say the least, hesitant to open myself back up to Him.  Why?  I have to search deep inside for that answer.  I have been feeling that soft quiet voice asking me to come back...God, I don't know if I can.  And that scares me because I know that I'll be judged on that decision when I die.  (unless I've come back to my senses by that time, in which case, all will be forgiven, right?)  At least that's my hope.....

SMH...

I've been reminded often from my friend Jenn, that my last post was, at this time, nearly 2 months ago.  Why would I go and just drop off the radar?  Well, because I guess I have not had the time in my mind to even realize when I'm being thumped.  I've noticed that when I have the time to listen to my spirit, that is when I realize I'm being thumped.  Sadly, my brain has been overloaded with distractions.  I recognize that now and, at least for the moment, I plan on trying to keep my focus.  Recognize the thumps, because by doing so, I am, a small way, hearing from God. 

I use to hear from Him often.... I was not satisfied with that.  I wanted to hear from Him more.  I could not understand why I, as a willing vessel, would be deprived from hearing from Him as others I knew did.  It broke my heart.  My feelings became hurt.  As a result, my broken heart started to become hardened.  Now, it was not just that that did the hardening.  It was other things as well.  My disappointment when things I believed for did not come into fruition.  My dissappointment when those who profess to be Christians were anything but.  The old saying that just becuase you are in a garage, that does not make  you a car rings true with Christians as well.  Just because you are in church, even being very active, that does not mean you are like that all the time.   I am not saying all were like that.  I have still kept in touch with a few who, I feel, do truly care about me and my family. 

We recently started going to a new church.  It had been quite a while since I had been in any church.  Honestly, I was afraid of churches.  But I won't go into that now.  The church we have started going to is very nice.  The service we go to is casual.  I'm good with that... I'm still not opening myself up by jumping in and joining anything, but the pastor seems to be very genuine.  I'm hopeful that little by little I can start to thaw out my heart and receive what God has for me..  

I'll keep you posted :)

Snow....

Here where we live we rarely get snow.  Everywhere around us usually does, but it's as if there is a force field over our city and we are, instead, given rain, sleet, or ice.   On the rare winters when the force field is disabled and we do actually get snow, it's exciting! 

This year has been a year of surprises!  We have had several snow storms and they have dropped lots of that pretty white stuff for the kids and kids at heart to play in.  The wonder of it has grown old.  At first when Sweet Pea would see it snowing, her face would light up and she would run to the window in excitment.  Now, when she sees it snowing it does not phase her.  It's business as usual for her.

I feel there is a message there...  What am I taking for granted?
hmmmm......

So much on my mind today

I came to the hospital yesterday evening (5:00 pm) to be with my first born as they admitted her to induce her labor for her first born.  My husband predicted back in the summer months that she would have this baby on this very date.  Ironically, she was due Feb 4... and if she missed her due date, her doctor would induce her on the 5th.  But, as it turned out, her file did not make it to the scheduler in time so they could not schedule her for the 5th.... They could get her in on the 8th at 5:00 pm to begin the preliminary inducing procedure... and would induce on the 9th.... the very date Buddy predicted.  Now.... he also said 7:39 was the time and he thought he typed pm...but instead typed am... so we are hoping Russell gets here at 7:39 tonight :)

As I sit here in the room with her... I find myself reflecting on the past....  I think of how she was 7 lbs 11 oz and 19" long.... and how tiny she looked to me... How quickly time has passed.  I was 24 years old when I gave birth to her... 28 years later, in the very same hospital, she is giving birth to her first child. 

I'm so glad that I can be here for her today.  It's quite a priviledge...  I am hoping that they don't have to do a c-section so that I can be there when he is born.  (a c-section would not allow but 1 person in and her husband has that ticket).   I plan to be there with camera in hand to document the miracle of birth...

Sigh.....

I got nuttin' to say.....

This was for Jennifer's benefit... to show at least I'm thinking about it

Self image....

We often see distorted images of ourselves.  When I look at a picture of myself, it's rare that I actually like it.  I see all the flaws as if they have a neon arrow pointing to them.  I am constantly asking my husband if I look ok?... does this make me look fat?.....  does my hair look ok like this?...... I ask that because I genuinely need to know.  I know he will tell me the truth.   Sometimes, I have to change my clothes because he is honest enough to say, yes.. you might not want to wear that yet.  More often than not, though, he says I look good.  I wish that I could see myself the way others see me. 

I totally get the people who have the facelifts, and such....  I guess the reason I don't have a lot of disposable income is because God knows I would ago and make changes.... well....that and my mom would kill me!!  She does not get the people who feel the need to change themselves physically.  She has a good image of herself.  Oh to be more like her :)  You see, I know that I am wonderfully made... the Bible says so.... but that mirror I keep looking into shows me a person that is flawed....

I guess the bottom line here is... I need to accept the fact that I am getting older.  My body is a reflection of the abuse I've inflicted on it from sun, fast food, etc...  But if you know of any good wrinkle cream....  let me know!!!

Psalm 139: 13-14

13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. 14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.