My jouney back thru the desert.... again

sigh...

I've seemed to have a propensity to dwell in the desert... I've been going back to my cave.  My dark, cold, shelter.  It's not that I like the extreme heat or cold... but it appears;  from my actions these past few months, that I've grown weaker instead of stronger in my faith.  It's like I am fluttering in the wind.. a dry lifeless leaf that has fallen from the tree.  The very tree that provided life (and still would had I not allowed the winds to blow me away). 

The past few months I have felt that I've been blocked in my writing.  That is because I have been blocked.   I have lost focus of my faith, my purpose, and my God.  I have been more engrossed in playing with my iPod touch than spending time in the word.  I have been more engrossed with anything to keep my mind occupied to the point that I was not even noticing the random thumps on the head.  He has been waiting patiently for me, though.  He is a gentleman and will not force Himself on me. 

So.... I start my journey once again... for the umpteenth time.  One thing that does keep flowing thru my mind is a song by Donnie McClurkin  

We fall down, but we get up
We fall down, but we get up
We fall down, but we get up
For a saint is just a sinner who fell down,
and got up

God's grace and mercy endures forever.... that is why every time I fall down, he sends someone to help me back up.   (Thank you, Mary)

Again, it's time to get back on the branch....


John 15:5
"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.

Sigh

I have had quite a week here both at work and in my personal life....  I am trying to hang on as I type and release the emotions.   

I'm having a hard time keeping in the tears today for some reason.... I'm frustrated that words get taken out of context and feelings get hurt.   I'm sad a good friend will be leaving soon halfway across the country.... I'm distracted by things running thru my mind that take me off task at work...... I'm having a hard time smiling... But most of all, I'm having a hard time accepting the fact that I know that happiness is a choice and yet, I' choosing to be sad/overwhelmed.... SNAP OUT OF IT!! 

I believe that God has a plan and even though we have free will, he does offer you many opportunities to walk in His plan.   Is that what is happening now?   I don't know for sure.  I do know that I have been, to say the least, hesitant to open myself back up to Him.  Why?  I have to search deep inside for that answer.  I have been feeling that soft quiet voice asking me to come back...God, I don't know if I can.  And that scares me because I know that I'll be judged on that decision when I die.  (unless I've come back to my senses by that time, in which case, all will be forgiven, right?)  At least that's my hope.....

SMH...

I've been reminded often from my friend Jenn, that my last post was, at this time, nearly 2 months ago.  Why would I go and just drop off the radar?  Well, because I guess I have not had the time in my mind to even realize when I'm being thumped.  I've noticed that when I have the time to listen to my spirit, that is when I realize I'm being thumped.  Sadly, my brain has been overloaded with distractions.  I recognize that now and, at least for the moment, I plan on trying to keep my focus.  Recognize the thumps, because by doing so, I am, a small way, hearing from God. 

I use to hear from Him often.... I was not satisfied with that.  I wanted to hear from Him more.  I could not understand why I, as a willing vessel, would be deprived from hearing from Him as others I knew did.  It broke my heart.  My feelings became hurt.  As a result, my broken heart started to become hardened.  Now, it was not just that that did the hardening.  It was other things as well.  My disappointment when things I believed for did not come into fruition.  My dissappointment when those who profess to be Christians were anything but.  The old saying that just becuase you are in a garage, that does not make  you a car rings true with Christians as well.  Just because you are in church, even being very active, that does not mean you are like that all the time.   I am not saying all were like that.  I have still kept in touch with a few who, I feel, do truly care about me and my family. 

We recently started going to a new church.  It had been quite a while since I had been in any church.  Honestly, I was afraid of churches.  But I won't go into that now.  The church we have started going to is very nice.  The service we go to is casual.  I'm good with that... I'm still not opening myself up by jumping in and joining anything, but the pastor seems to be very genuine.  I'm hopeful that little by little I can start to thaw out my heart and receive what God has for me..  

I'll keep you posted :)

Snow....

Here where we live we rarely get snow.  Everywhere around us usually does, but it's as if there is a force field over our city and we are, instead, given rain, sleet, or ice.   On the rare winters when the force field is disabled and we do actually get snow, it's exciting! 

This year has been a year of surprises!  We have had several snow storms and they have dropped lots of that pretty white stuff for the kids and kids at heart to play in.  The wonder of it has grown old.  At first when Sweet Pea would see it snowing, her face would light up and she would run to the window in excitment.  Now, when she sees it snowing it does not phase her.  It's business as usual for her.

I feel there is a message there...  What am I taking for granted?
hmmmm......

So much on my mind today

I came to the hospital yesterday evening (5:00 pm) to be with my first born as they admitted her to induce her labor for her first born.  My husband predicted back in the summer months that she would have this baby on this very date.  Ironically, she was due Feb 4... and if she missed her due date, her doctor would induce her on the 5th.  But, as it turned out, her file did not make it to the scheduler in time so they could not schedule her for the 5th.... They could get her in on the 8th at 5:00 pm to begin the preliminary inducing procedure... and would induce on the 9th.... the very date Buddy predicted.  Now.... he also said 7:39 was the time and he thought he typed pm...but instead typed am... so we are hoping Russell gets here at 7:39 tonight :)

As I sit here in the room with her... I find myself reflecting on the past....  I think of how she was 7 lbs 11 oz and 19" long.... and how tiny she looked to me... How quickly time has passed.  I was 24 years old when I gave birth to her... 28 years later, in the very same hospital, she is giving birth to her first child. 

I'm so glad that I can be here for her today.  It's quite a priviledge...  I am hoping that they don't have to do a c-section so that I can be there when he is born.  (a c-section would not allow but 1 person in and her husband has that ticket).   I plan to be there with camera in hand to document the miracle of birth...

Sigh.....

I got nuttin' to say.....

This was for Jennifer's benefit... to show at least I'm thinking about it

Self image....

We often see distorted images of ourselves.  When I look at a picture of myself, it's rare that I actually like it.  I see all the flaws as if they have a neon arrow pointing to them.  I am constantly asking my husband if I look ok?... does this make me look fat?.....  does my hair look ok like this?...... I ask that because I genuinely need to know.  I know he will tell me the truth.   Sometimes, I have to change my clothes because he is honest enough to say, yes.. you might not want to wear that yet.  More often than not, though, he says I look good.  I wish that I could see myself the way others see me. 

I totally get the people who have the facelifts, and such....  I guess the reason I don't have a lot of disposable income is because God knows I would ago and make changes.... well....that and my mom would kill me!!  She does not get the people who feel the need to change themselves physically.  She has a good image of herself.  Oh to be more like her :)  You see, I know that I am wonderfully made... the Bible says so.... but that mirror I keep looking into shows me a person that is flawed....

I guess the bottom line here is... I need to accept the fact that I am getting older.  My body is a reflection of the abuse I've inflicted on it from sun, fast food, etc...  But if you know of any good wrinkle cream....  let me know!!!

Psalm 139: 13-14

13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. 14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.