Sigh

I have had quite a week here both at work and in my personal life....  I am trying to hang on as I type and release the emotions.   

I'm having a hard time keeping in the tears today for some reason.... I'm frustrated that words get taken out of context and feelings get hurt.   I'm sad a good friend will be leaving soon halfway across the country.... I'm distracted by things running thru my mind that take me off task at work...... I'm having a hard time smiling... But most of all, I'm having a hard time accepting the fact that I know that happiness is a choice and yet, I' choosing to be sad/overwhelmed.... SNAP OUT OF IT!! 

I believe that God has a plan and even though we have free will, he does offer you many opportunities to walk in His plan.   Is that what is happening now?   I don't know for sure.  I do know that I have been, to say the least, hesitant to open myself back up to Him.  Why?  I have to search deep inside for that answer.  I have been feeling that soft quiet voice asking me to come back...God, I don't know if I can.  And that scares me because I know that I'll be judged on that decision when I die.  (unless I've come back to my senses by that time, in which case, all will be forgiven, right?)  At least that's my hope.....

SMH...

I've been reminded often from my friend Jenn, that my last post was, at this time, nearly 2 months ago.  Why would I go and just drop off the radar?  Well, because I guess I have not had the time in my mind to even realize when I'm being thumped.  I've noticed that when I have the time to listen to my spirit, that is when I realize I'm being thumped.  Sadly, my brain has been overloaded with distractions.  I recognize that now and, at least for the moment, I plan on trying to keep my focus.  Recognize the thumps, because by doing so, I am, a small way, hearing from God. 

I use to hear from Him often.... I was not satisfied with that.  I wanted to hear from Him more.  I could not understand why I, as a willing vessel, would be deprived from hearing from Him as others I knew did.  It broke my heart.  My feelings became hurt.  As a result, my broken heart started to become hardened.  Now, it was not just that that did the hardening.  It was other things as well.  My disappointment when things I believed for did not come into fruition.  My dissappointment when those who profess to be Christians were anything but.  The old saying that just becuase you are in a garage, that does not make  you a car rings true with Christians as well.  Just because you are in church, even being very active, that does not mean you are like that all the time.   I am not saying all were like that.  I have still kept in touch with a few who, I feel, do truly care about me and my family. 

We recently started going to a new church.  It had been quite a while since I had been in any church.  Honestly, I was afraid of churches.  But I won't go into that now.  The church we have started going to is very nice.  The service we go to is casual.  I'm good with that... I'm still not opening myself up by jumping in and joining anything, but the pastor seems to be very genuine.  I'm hopeful that little by little I can start to thaw out my heart and receive what God has for me..  

I'll keep you posted :)