Sigh.....

I got nuttin' to say.....

This was for Jennifer's benefit... to show at least I'm thinking about it

Self image....

We often see distorted images of ourselves.  When I look at a picture of myself, it's rare that I actually like it.  I see all the flaws as if they have a neon arrow pointing to them.  I am constantly asking my husband if I look ok?... does this make me look fat?.....  does my hair look ok like this?...... I ask that because I genuinely need to know.  I know he will tell me the truth.   Sometimes, I have to change my clothes because he is honest enough to say, yes.. you might not want to wear that yet.  More often than not, though, he says I look good.  I wish that I could see myself the way others see me. 

I totally get the people who have the facelifts, and such....  I guess the reason I don't have a lot of disposable income is because God knows I would ago and make changes.... well....that and my mom would kill me!!  She does not get the people who feel the need to change themselves physically.  She has a good image of herself.  Oh to be more like her :)  You see, I know that I am wonderfully made... the Bible says so.... but that mirror I keep looking into shows me a person that is flawed....

I guess the bottom line here is... I need to accept the fact that I am getting older.  My body is a reflection of the abuse I've inflicted on it from sun, fast food, etc...  But if you know of any good wrinkle cream....  let me know!!!

Psalm 139: 13-14

13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. 14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

Fun and Games..... not

One thing that keeps resonating in my head.... my younger cousin is dying... soon.  We are not close... have not ever been, I guess due to the age differences, distances apart, and the later years, differences of opinions.  None the less, he is family.  The big "C" has attached itself to him and feasting on what is left of his strength.  I cannot imagine what he thinks each and every day.  I cannot imagine what his mom and dad deal with knowing they will have to bury him. 

Except for a few random posts, I've not written for a while because, well, everytime I go to start writing I think of him... I always try to be uplifting and honest in my posts.... Talking about the death of a family member is not what I want to write about.   It seems, however, that I am destined to do so.  The writer's block I've dealt with, I am hoping, will be removed if I "speak" my mind here....

So... I write

While the big "C" has hit my cousin, it appears the big "D" has hit me....  My direction and focus is supposed to be on my studies so that I can break free... when in fact, I've been quite the opposite.  I've allowed myself to become Distracted... the big "D".  Distraction....  As I listened to a pastor on Sunday ... it really hit home.  (What little I allowed myself to listen becuase I was .... yup distracted.....  but yet, the words I heard did hit home where they needed to.   Dr. Stanley said that many of us in the Christian faith will spend hours in front of the TV each night, (or on the computer) then go to bed and read a few verses from the Bible, spend a few minutes praying to God to help us with whatever it is we are dealing with and go to sleep.... Rather childish, wouldn't you agree?  But it's true... at least for me, anyway.  (just being honest, here!)...

So, I recognize the problem... but what do I do about it?  I can purpose to change.... I have done that often... but I keep on going back to my old ways....   So much for good intentions......

Sigh.... I don't think this writing block is over just yet.....

Yes, Jennifer, I know it's been a while!

I have someone who puts me on notice when I don't update my blog....  as if I didn't already know that my brain is blank :o)  I have her to remind me of it ....  She is my one true fan :)

I'm sure I have been thumped on the head numerous times, however, I have failed to recall them and document them...or maybe I was in such a state of confusion that I did not even recognize it when I was thumped.... that's really not a good sign, I fear...  It's like me trying to tell Sweet Pea something and her totally ignoring me and doing it her way.... be it right or wrong.    The other day I was trying to get her attention.... no matter what I said or did, my words were not even going thru one ear to get out the other... it was like a force field had been centered over her and I were speaking to the air.  I think that is what it is like with God.  He is always trying to talk to me... and for some reason, I don't hear Him..... 

I have been dreaming a lot lately.... that is how I use to hear from Him.... trouble is, I don't really recall what it is that I am dreaming... I may recall  bits and pieces... but nothing that really makes sense.  Or its like I know I dreamed of something and try really hard to recall it because I feel it was important, only to find out that I am in a fog and can't see or remember clearly.   I guess if I got up in time each morning and had "quiet time" with God, it might retain in my mind and I would know what it is Im supposed to do.... it's just that I have been so tired that it is all I can do to get to work on time as it is...  Clearly there is a problem here...

Words.....

... they are powerful weapons...  Ones that can build up .. or just as quickly tear down. 

I was witness to that this past weekend.  I was flustered and frustrated with my computer and was trying to get support help.  I finally found the phone number, punched the appropriate numbers, and after 15 minutes of holding... got disconnected.  This meant I had to go through all this yet again.  Sweet Pea was extremely clingy and kept asking me to hold her.  Finally, to quiet her down...I picked her up.  She promptly started drawing on my laptop.  I snapped.  Now, keep in mind that we have told her over and over again to ONLY color on paper.  She has graced our walls, our floors, our TV, and our furniture with her special art.   The coloring on my computer... well, lets just say her timing was way off.... I grabbed her crayon, reminded her loudly that she was only to color on paper and to go sit in time out.  Now.. granted it was not the words, but the tone of the words.... but none the less... she was broken.  Her little lip quivered and her eyes looked fearful.  I've not given her any reason to be afraid of me.... but things did happen in her past before we got her that must have sparked a reminder.  I felt horrible.  Four days later I am still lamenting over it.  She has possibly forgotten the incident... I have not. 

By the same token.... my Sweet Pea is very bright, happy, and talented.  She thrives on praise... (don't we all)? We constantly tell her how much we love her.  She knows she is loved by our words and actions.

One thing I am going to purpose to work on.... self control ... of my mouth.   Think before I speak.... could be the challenge of a lifetime :o)

James 1:19-20, 26-27,

1:19 Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters! Let every person be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger. 20 For human anger does not accomplish God’s righteousness.

26 If someone thinks he is religious yet does not bridle his tongue, and so deceives his heart, his religion is futile. 27 Pure and undefiled religion before God the Father is this: to care for orphans and widows in their misfortune and to keep oneself unstained by the world. 

So far.. so good!

at least with part of my resolutions... but hey.. it's only 12:30.... I have a lot more time to go :)
I'm trying to cut down on my coffee consumption by making myself drink a big honking glass of water before I allow myself another cup.... seems I can't stay out of the bathroom LOL... not a bad problem...

I did eat breakfast... I love old fashioned oatmeal.... mmmmm good stuff... and I brought some low calorie soup I made for the week.... Still have to force myself to start eating salads because, well because they are much healthier raw (except for the dressing, which I can use sparingly...

My issue with "don't want to".... well.... I know what I need to do... I just still don't want to..  I'm like a little toddler I guess.  Sweet Pea knows when she is doing something wrong and even when I correct her... she still tests me..  Coloring is one of her setbacks...  she KNOWS she is only supposed to color on paper.  She has spent enough time sitting in time out and having her crayons taken away.... but it does not stop her from coloring any and everything...  I am still not sure where she has her stash... we take them away and somehow an hour later, she has another one.  Happily coloring away anywhere her eye lands... 

not unlike me

I know I am supposed to spend time reading the Bible and doing my homework (yes, I have not done it yet... a few weeks behind)... but I don't want to.  I want to surf the net, play with my baby, take a nap.... anything my eye lands on...but that... hmmmm.  Good thing Father God is patient.... otherwise he must be at wits end with me now

New Year, new me....

ok... maybe not a new me, entirely... but Now that the baby shower is behind me.. Santa letters are behind me.... Thanksgiving is behind me.... Christmas is behind me.... and about 10 pounds are on me... it's time to make some changes...

There are a lot of changes I need to make in my life...  I am going to commit to eating better and healthier (that's my story and I'm sticking to it)...  I am going to start exercising.  Now, need to keep in mind that I get winded very easily because of the asthma I deal with... and how out of shape I am.... sigh.  I have a lot of work ahead of me.    I need to take baby steps... I acknowledge that...  don't like it... but acknowledge it...

I also need to start putting my faith ahead of my "don't want to" ...  I don't want to submit to God and do what I know deep down I'm supposed to do because I don't want to give up some things....  A lot of thumps are on the way, of that I'm sure.....

Stay tuned :o)  Should be an interesting journey ....