Shhh.... can you hear it?

For a few weeks now, I've been feeling that tug again.... that small, still, voice calling me to turn to Him.  He misses me.  Yet I am afraid....

I don't really know what exactly I am afraid of.  Could it be that I am afraid that, like Isaiah felt, I am unclean, therefore not worthy?  Could it be I'm afraid of being wrong?  That I'm not hearing what I think I'm hearing?  Been there before...  Could I be afraid of stepping out of my comfort zone into an area of uncomfortableness..(is that even a word?)?  Could I be afraid of looking stupid?  Well, the answer is yes to all of those fears.  

I realize that my fear comes from a lack of understanding.  It comes from not trusting Him.  But especially, it comes from not trusting ME.   I am oh so insecure in my role as a child of God.  I've sat under several doctrines that were, uhm... confusing, for lack of a better word.  I trusted and got hurt.  I believed and got confused.  So I'm gun shy, so to speak. 

I need to get back in His Word and spend time talking to Him so that I will know His voice when I hear it.  I need to get back into spending quiet time with Him.  I need to stop making excuses for why I don't... Now that I know what I need to do, it's execution time, for the kazillionth time!

Best Laid Plans.... Seriously??

When my plans get thwarted, I find myself getting irritated.  Saturday was one of those days... I had great plans...

I had made an appointment to get a massage (my hubby gave me the certicate for Valentines Day)... Decided I needed a pedi and what would be even sweeter than to stop at Micky D's and get a Mocha Frappe to enjoy while reading my book on my ipod touch?...

Sigh... plans made... what could go wrong??  Well, let me tell you....

My iPod touch needed updating.... no big deal... plenty of time... WRONG... something glitched and it needed to be totally restored to factory settings... OMG  what am I going to read now while getting my toes did??   No worries, Plan B  I'll grab a magazine and do some light reading... I can go with the flow here...

First stop... McDonalds for a tasty Frappe...  AWESOME.. there is NOBODY in the drive thru line!!  Feeling good!! ... until the attendant says... I'm sorry we can only take cash... our machines are down.. Are you kidding me?  I got no cash!!  That wasn't part of the plan..   Oh well, it's ok...  Plan B I'll just grab a tea by the nail salon... All is not lost.... humph....

Get to the salon to sign in and then go grab my tea... wait a minute... why are there so many people hanging around there? Oh no, say it isn't so... PLEASE... yup, it is ... they are slammed busy... Plan B AGAIN... I hop back in the car and hit up another salon... who takes me right away.. (how am I supposed to get my drink?)...Plan B goes into action yet again.. I'm not dying here... I can wait....

Finished up with the toes... would have been nice to have been sipping my Frappe, and reading my book loaded on my ipod, but, I'm flexible... I can adjust...  While I was there, I remembered that I had left the directions to the new location of our massage therapist at home..  No wories...Toes are done... just jump in the car and go to Walmart to grab something so I can use my debit card (and get some cash), run home to get my directions and then just ride back to McD's for my beloved Frappe... Simple enough

At Walmart, I grab a token item to purchase, run to the check out line..  wait patiently for my turn... and walah... I'm ready to check out.. get my cash... and move on... Swipe my card.... tell it I want cash (cause I also have to pay the sitter), and for some reason there was a glitch in THEIR system.... GRRR  I only made a purchase because I wanted to avoid another stop at an ATM...

SOOO... home I go to grab my directions... and next stop... ATM to ge cash... It better be working is all I can say!!!  (Not that I could do anything about it were it not working!)  WHEEEEE!   It worked... now if the traffic runs correctly, I can make a stop at McD's and get something to eat... hmmmm drive thru is slammed... I shall park and go inside to save time!!!   Well, that went well... UNTIL I decide to back out of my parking space and the non thinking people waiting for the drive thru have unnecessarily blocked me in... Deep breath... it's ok... I still have time to make it and not be late !!  Good think I am going for a massage to ease tension!!!    By the way... Dana was amazing... he even gave me extra time to make sure that the knots were relaxed and my muscles were loose!   

It seems that my plans were thwarted at every turn... I have to wonder though, what else was planned for me that has not come into fruition.  What have I been missing out on that I don't even know about.  Just curious...

Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

A Word For Me.....

This was posted on FB yesterday... Just a random post from a friend....  I receive it and welcome it..

"I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols. I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you. I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws." Ezekiel 36:25-27

Hello? Are you there?

I think I need another wire to connect with Him because, well, this one must be broken.... Hello?  Can you hear me?  Maybe if I get down on my knees I can get a better reception...  

There has been a lot going on in my life the past month or so.  I sometimes feel like I am spinning out of control and cannot find the handle to hold on to that will slow me down.  I know that He is trying to get my attention but the busyness of life is blocking the call.  It's like I'm on one side of the street and I hear Him, but just as I look, a big honking bus drives by and blocks my view.  So I keep walking down the street, in the wrong direction, clueless of my surroundings and the danger I am in.  Oh but for the grace of God and His mercy to keep me from getting into too much trouble.   

I'm reminded of Malia...  I tell her to stop doing something… and she says "OK" (so I know she hears me!) all the while continuing to do what she is being told to stop doing… I tell her again, in a little sharper tone to my voice…. And she says "OK, mommy"  and all the while continuing what she is doing… By the third time, I am getting angry because she is not listening to me.  "Seriously, Malia... I said STOP!" and the butt bumping begins...   Sigh... not unlike me and Daddy God....

I guess you are probably tired of hearing me whine and moan about how I know where I need to be, I just don't go there.  People, let me tell you, the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak... I get that analogy now.... I never understood it before...but I do now!   I WANT to be back where I was before with Him..... but it's like there is a big claw on my head turning me away from there.  That claw has been there for years.  I use to be stronger and able to fight against it.  Right now, it appears that claw is stronger than I.  What do I need to do to be able to fight back? 


Clearly, I'm doing a lot of things wrong...  I need to be stronger, and need to listen closer... I have noticed that of late I am bored with the online things that have caught my eye previously.... could it be that He is trying to get me to get back in His Word?  It has been quite a while... I think I may give that a try this evening and see.... 

 Psalm 23 (King James Version)

1The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. 2He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. 3He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

4Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. 5Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. 6Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.

Need to make some changes....

Well... we did it!  We are buying a new to us car.  We have been so cramped in our little Accent with Malia getting bigger.  My knees have a special place in the dash board on the passenger side....

If you know me, you know that I do NOT like to incur debt.  But alas, there was no other way....   My BFF is getting a new car and she is going to sell me her old one.  YIPPEE!!!  My knees will be able to move!!!  OH NO... I have incurred a commitment to a loan... what if... what if... what if...

So.... Last night, as I went to bed, it was on my mind ... but I feel better about it today.  I had a dream... first one that I can remember in a long time (I used to have them often).... in my dream I was in a church (actually it was my mom's church, sort of) and I could hear someone saying to me... Sing your praise to God and it will be ok ... So I give all glory to God for placing this opportunity in our hands.  He knew our needs and he opened a door for us.  He will provide!! 

My jouney back thru the desert.... again

sigh...

I've seemed to have a propensity to dwell in the desert... I've been going back to my cave.  My dark, cold, shelter.  It's not that I like the extreme heat or cold... but it appears;  from my actions these past few months, that I've grown weaker instead of stronger in my faith.  It's like I am fluttering in the wind.. a dry lifeless leaf that has fallen from the tree.  The very tree that provided life (and still would had I not allowed the winds to blow me away). 

The past few months I have felt that I've been blocked in my writing.  That is because I have been blocked.   I have lost focus of my faith, my purpose, and my God.  I have been more engrossed in playing with my iPod touch than spending time in the word.  I have been more engrossed with anything to keep my mind occupied to the point that I was not even noticing the random thumps on the head.  He has been waiting patiently for me, though.  He is a gentleman and will not force Himself on me. 

So.... I start my journey once again... for the umpteenth time.  One thing that does keep flowing thru my mind is a song by Donnie McClurkin  

We fall down, but we get up
We fall down, but we get up
We fall down, but we get up
For a saint is just a sinner who fell down,
and got up

God's grace and mercy endures forever.... that is why every time I fall down, he sends someone to help me back up.   (Thank you, Mary)

Again, it's time to get back on the branch....


John 15:5
"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.

Sigh

I have had quite a week here both at work and in my personal life....  I am trying to hang on as I type and release the emotions.   

I'm having a hard time keeping in the tears today for some reason.... I'm frustrated that words get taken out of context and feelings get hurt.   I'm sad a good friend will be leaving soon halfway across the country.... I'm distracted by things running thru my mind that take me off task at work...... I'm having a hard time smiling... But most of all, I'm having a hard time accepting the fact that I know that happiness is a choice and yet, I' choosing to be sad/overwhelmed.... SNAP OUT OF IT!! 

I believe that God has a plan and even though we have free will, he does offer you many opportunities to walk in His plan.   Is that what is happening now?   I don't know for sure.  I do know that I have been, to say the least, hesitant to open myself back up to Him.  Why?  I have to search deep inside for that answer.  I have been feeling that soft quiet voice asking me to come back...God, I don't know if I can.  And that scares me because I know that I'll be judged on that decision when I die.  (unless I've come back to my senses by that time, in which case, all will be forgiven, right?)  At least that's my hope.....

SMH...

I've been reminded often from my friend Jenn, that my last post was, at this time, nearly 2 months ago.  Why would I go and just drop off the radar?  Well, because I guess I have not had the time in my mind to even realize when I'm being thumped.  I've noticed that when I have the time to listen to my spirit, that is when I realize I'm being thumped.  Sadly, my brain has been overloaded with distractions.  I recognize that now and, at least for the moment, I plan on trying to keep my focus.  Recognize the thumps, because by doing so, I am, a small way, hearing from God. 

I use to hear from Him often.... I was not satisfied with that.  I wanted to hear from Him more.  I could not understand why I, as a willing vessel, would be deprived from hearing from Him as others I knew did.  It broke my heart.  My feelings became hurt.  As a result, my broken heart started to become hardened.  Now, it was not just that that did the hardening.  It was other things as well.  My disappointment when things I believed for did not come into fruition.  My dissappointment when those who profess to be Christians were anything but.  The old saying that just becuase you are in a garage, that does not make  you a car rings true with Christians as well.  Just because you are in church, even being very active, that does not mean you are like that all the time.   I am not saying all were like that.  I have still kept in touch with a few who, I feel, do truly care about me and my family. 

We recently started going to a new church.  It had been quite a while since I had been in any church.  Honestly, I was afraid of churches.  But I won't go into that now.  The church we have started going to is very nice.  The service we go to is casual.  I'm good with that... I'm still not opening myself up by jumping in and joining anything, but the pastor seems to be very genuine.  I'm hopeful that little by little I can start to thaw out my heart and receive what God has for me..  

I'll keep you posted :)

Snow....

Here where we live we rarely get snow.  Everywhere around us usually does, but it's as if there is a force field over our city and we are, instead, given rain, sleet, or ice.   On the rare winters when the force field is disabled and we do actually get snow, it's exciting! 

This year has been a year of surprises!  We have had several snow storms and they have dropped lots of that pretty white stuff for the kids and kids at heart to play in.  The wonder of it has grown old.  At first when Sweet Pea would see it snowing, her face would light up and she would run to the window in excitment.  Now, when she sees it snowing it does not phase her.  It's business as usual for her.

I feel there is a message there...  What am I taking for granted?
hmmmm......

So much on my mind today

I came to the hospital yesterday evening (5:00 pm) to be with my first born as they admitted her to induce her labor for her first born.  My husband predicted back in the summer months that she would have this baby on this very date.  Ironically, she was due Feb 4... and if she missed her due date, her doctor would induce her on the 5th.  But, as it turned out, her file did not make it to the scheduler in time so they could not schedule her for the 5th.... They could get her in on the 8th at 5:00 pm to begin the preliminary inducing procedure... and would induce on the 9th.... the very date Buddy predicted.  Now.... he also said 7:39 was the time and he thought he typed pm...but instead typed am... so we are hoping Russell gets here at 7:39 tonight :)

As I sit here in the room with her... I find myself reflecting on the past....  I think of how she was 7 lbs 11 oz and 19" long.... and how tiny she looked to me... How quickly time has passed.  I was 24 years old when I gave birth to her... 28 years later, in the very same hospital, she is giving birth to her first child. 

I'm so glad that I can be here for her today.  It's quite a priviledge...  I am hoping that they don't have to do a c-section so that I can be there when he is born.  (a c-section would not allow but 1 person in and her husband has that ticket).   I plan to be there with camera in hand to document the miracle of birth...

Sigh.....

I got nuttin' to say.....

This was for Jennifer's benefit... to show at least I'm thinking about it

Self image....

We often see distorted images of ourselves.  When I look at a picture of myself, it's rare that I actually like it.  I see all the flaws as if they have a neon arrow pointing to them.  I am constantly asking my husband if I look ok?... does this make me look fat?.....  does my hair look ok like this?...... I ask that because I genuinely need to know.  I know he will tell me the truth.   Sometimes, I have to change my clothes because he is honest enough to say, yes.. you might not want to wear that yet.  More often than not, though, he says I look good.  I wish that I could see myself the way others see me. 

I totally get the people who have the facelifts, and such....  I guess the reason I don't have a lot of disposable income is because God knows I would ago and make changes.... well....that and my mom would kill me!!  She does not get the people who feel the need to change themselves physically.  She has a good image of herself.  Oh to be more like her :)  You see, I know that I am wonderfully made... the Bible says so.... but that mirror I keep looking into shows me a person that is flawed....

I guess the bottom line here is... I need to accept the fact that I am getting older.  My body is a reflection of the abuse I've inflicted on it from sun, fast food, etc...  But if you know of any good wrinkle cream....  let me know!!!

Psalm 139: 13-14

13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. 14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

Fun and Games..... not

One thing that keeps resonating in my head.... my younger cousin is dying... soon.  We are not close... have not ever been, I guess due to the age differences, distances apart, and the later years, differences of opinions.  None the less, he is family.  The big "C" has attached itself to him and feasting on what is left of his strength.  I cannot imagine what he thinks each and every day.  I cannot imagine what his mom and dad deal with knowing they will have to bury him. 

Except for a few random posts, I've not written for a while because, well, everytime I go to start writing I think of him... I always try to be uplifting and honest in my posts.... Talking about the death of a family member is not what I want to write about.   It seems, however, that I am destined to do so.  The writer's block I've dealt with, I am hoping, will be removed if I "speak" my mind here....

So... I write

While the big "C" has hit my cousin, it appears the big "D" has hit me....  My direction and focus is supposed to be on my studies so that I can break free... when in fact, I've been quite the opposite.  I've allowed myself to become Distracted... the big "D".  Distraction....  As I listened to a pastor on Sunday ... it really hit home.  (What little I allowed myself to listen becuase I was .... yup distracted.....  but yet, the words I heard did hit home where they needed to.   Dr. Stanley said that many of us in the Christian faith will spend hours in front of the TV each night, (or on the computer) then go to bed and read a few verses from the Bible, spend a few minutes praying to God to help us with whatever it is we are dealing with and go to sleep.... Rather childish, wouldn't you agree?  But it's true... at least for me, anyway.  (just being honest, here!)...

So, I recognize the problem... but what do I do about it?  I can purpose to change.... I have done that often... but I keep on going back to my old ways....   So much for good intentions......

Sigh.... I don't think this writing block is over just yet.....

Yes, Jennifer, I know it's been a while!

I have someone who puts me on notice when I don't update my blog....  as if I didn't already know that my brain is blank :o)  I have her to remind me of it ....  She is my one true fan :)

I'm sure I have been thumped on the head numerous times, however, I have failed to recall them and document them...or maybe I was in such a state of confusion that I did not even recognize it when I was thumped.... that's really not a good sign, I fear...  It's like me trying to tell Sweet Pea something and her totally ignoring me and doing it her way.... be it right or wrong.    The other day I was trying to get her attention.... no matter what I said or did, my words were not even going thru one ear to get out the other... it was like a force field had been centered over her and I were speaking to the air.  I think that is what it is like with God.  He is always trying to talk to me... and for some reason, I don't hear Him..... 

I have been dreaming a lot lately.... that is how I use to hear from Him.... trouble is, I don't really recall what it is that I am dreaming... I may recall  bits and pieces... but nothing that really makes sense.  Or its like I know I dreamed of something and try really hard to recall it because I feel it was important, only to find out that I am in a fog and can't see or remember clearly.   I guess if I got up in time each morning and had "quiet time" with God, it might retain in my mind and I would know what it is Im supposed to do.... it's just that I have been so tired that it is all I can do to get to work on time as it is...  Clearly there is a problem here...

Words.....

... they are powerful weapons...  Ones that can build up .. or just as quickly tear down. 

I was witness to that this past weekend.  I was flustered and frustrated with my computer and was trying to get support help.  I finally found the phone number, punched the appropriate numbers, and after 15 minutes of holding... got disconnected.  This meant I had to go through all this yet again.  Sweet Pea was extremely clingy and kept asking me to hold her.  Finally, to quiet her down...I picked her up.  She promptly started drawing on my laptop.  I snapped.  Now, keep in mind that we have told her over and over again to ONLY color on paper.  She has graced our walls, our floors, our TV, and our furniture with her special art.   The coloring on my computer... well, lets just say her timing was way off.... I grabbed her crayon, reminded her loudly that she was only to color on paper and to go sit in time out.  Now.. granted it was not the words, but the tone of the words.... but none the less... she was broken.  Her little lip quivered and her eyes looked fearful.  I've not given her any reason to be afraid of me.... but things did happen in her past before we got her that must have sparked a reminder.  I felt horrible.  Four days later I am still lamenting over it.  She has possibly forgotten the incident... I have not. 

By the same token.... my Sweet Pea is very bright, happy, and talented.  She thrives on praise... (don't we all)? We constantly tell her how much we love her.  She knows she is loved by our words and actions.

One thing I am going to purpose to work on.... self control ... of my mouth.   Think before I speak.... could be the challenge of a lifetime :o)

James 1:19-20, 26-27,

1:19 Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters! Let every person be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger. 20 For human anger does not accomplish God’s righteousness.

26 If someone thinks he is religious yet does not bridle his tongue, and so deceives his heart, his religion is futile. 27 Pure and undefiled religion before God the Father is this: to care for orphans and widows in their misfortune and to keep oneself unstained by the world. 

So far.. so good!

at least with part of my resolutions... but hey.. it's only 12:30.... I have a lot more time to go :)
I'm trying to cut down on my coffee consumption by making myself drink a big honking glass of water before I allow myself another cup.... seems I can't stay out of the bathroom LOL... not a bad problem...

I did eat breakfast... I love old fashioned oatmeal.... mmmmm good stuff... and I brought some low calorie soup I made for the week.... Still have to force myself to start eating salads because, well because they are much healthier raw (except for the dressing, which I can use sparingly...

My issue with "don't want to".... well.... I know what I need to do... I just still don't want to..  I'm like a little toddler I guess.  Sweet Pea knows when she is doing something wrong and even when I correct her... she still tests me..  Coloring is one of her setbacks...  she KNOWS she is only supposed to color on paper.  She has spent enough time sitting in time out and having her crayons taken away.... but it does not stop her from coloring any and everything...  I am still not sure where she has her stash... we take them away and somehow an hour later, she has another one.  Happily coloring away anywhere her eye lands... 

not unlike me

I know I am supposed to spend time reading the Bible and doing my homework (yes, I have not done it yet... a few weeks behind)... but I don't want to.  I want to surf the net, play with my baby, take a nap.... anything my eye lands on...but that... hmmmm.  Good thing Father God is patient.... otherwise he must be at wits end with me now

New Year, new me....

ok... maybe not a new me, entirely... but Now that the baby shower is behind me.. Santa letters are behind me.... Thanksgiving is behind me.... Christmas is behind me.... and about 10 pounds are on me... it's time to make some changes...

There are a lot of changes I need to make in my life...  I am going to commit to eating better and healthier (that's my story and I'm sticking to it)...  I am going to start exercising.  Now, need to keep in mind that I get winded very easily because of the asthma I deal with... and how out of shape I am.... sigh.  I have a lot of work ahead of me.    I need to take baby steps... I acknowledge that...  don't like it... but acknowledge it...

I also need to start putting my faith ahead of my "don't want to" ...  I don't want to submit to God and do what I know deep down I'm supposed to do because I don't want to give up some things....  A lot of thumps are on the way, of that I'm sure.....

Stay tuned :o)  Should be an interesting journey ....