Hello? Are you there?

I think I need another wire to connect with Him because, well, this one must be broken.... Hello?  Can you hear me?  Maybe if I get down on my knees I can get a better reception...  

There has been a lot going on in my life the past month or so.  I sometimes feel like I am spinning out of control and cannot find the handle to hold on to that will slow me down.  I know that He is trying to get my attention but the busyness of life is blocking the call.  It's like I'm on one side of the street and I hear Him, but just as I look, a big honking bus drives by and blocks my view.  So I keep walking down the street, in the wrong direction, clueless of my surroundings and the danger I am in.  Oh but for the grace of God and His mercy to keep me from getting into too much trouble.   

I'm reminded of Malia...  I tell her to stop doing something… and she says "OK" (so I know she hears me!) all the while continuing to do what she is being told to stop doing… I tell her again, in a little sharper tone to my voice…. And she says "OK, mommy"  and all the while continuing what she is doing… By the third time, I am getting angry because she is not listening to me.  "Seriously, Malia... I said STOP!" and the butt bumping begins...   Sigh... not unlike me and Daddy God....

I guess you are probably tired of hearing me whine and moan about how I know where I need to be, I just don't go there.  People, let me tell you, the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak... I get that analogy now.... I never understood it before...but I do now!   I WANT to be back where I was before with Him..... but it's like there is a big claw on my head turning me away from there.  That claw has been there for years.  I use to be stronger and able to fight against it.  Right now, it appears that claw is stronger than I.  What do I need to do to be able to fight back? 


Clearly, I'm doing a lot of things wrong...  I need to be stronger, and need to listen closer... I have noticed that of late I am bored with the online things that have caught my eye previously.... could it be that He is trying to get me to get back in His Word?  It has been quite a while... I think I may give that a try this evening and see.... 

 Psalm 23 (King James Version)

1The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. 2He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. 3He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

4Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. 5Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. 6Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.

Need to make some changes....

Well... we did it!  We are buying a new to us car.  We have been so cramped in our little Accent with Malia getting bigger.  My knees have a special place in the dash board on the passenger side....

If you know me, you know that I do NOT like to incur debt.  But alas, there was no other way....   My BFF is getting a new car and she is going to sell me her old one.  YIPPEE!!!  My knees will be able to move!!!  OH NO... I have incurred a commitment to a loan... what if... what if... what if...

So.... Last night, as I went to bed, it was on my mind ... but I feel better about it today.  I had a dream... first one that I can remember in a long time (I used to have them often).... in my dream I was in a church (actually it was my mom's church, sort of) and I could hear someone saying to me... Sing your praise to God and it will be ok ... So I give all glory to God for placing this opportunity in our hands.  He knew our needs and he opened a door for us.  He will provide!! 

My jouney back thru the desert.... again

sigh...

I've seemed to have a propensity to dwell in the desert... I've been going back to my cave.  My dark, cold, shelter.  It's not that I like the extreme heat or cold... but it appears;  from my actions these past few months, that I've grown weaker instead of stronger in my faith.  It's like I am fluttering in the wind.. a dry lifeless leaf that has fallen from the tree.  The very tree that provided life (and still would had I not allowed the winds to blow me away). 

The past few months I have felt that I've been blocked in my writing.  That is because I have been blocked.   I have lost focus of my faith, my purpose, and my God.  I have been more engrossed in playing with my iPod touch than spending time in the word.  I have been more engrossed with anything to keep my mind occupied to the point that I was not even noticing the random thumps on the head.  He has been waiting patiently for me, though.  He is a gentleman and will not force Himself on me. 

So.... I start my journey once again... for the umpteenth time.  One thing that does keep flowing thru my mind is a song by Donnie McClurkin  

We fall down, but we get up
We fall down, but we get up
We fall down, but we get up
For a saint is just a sinner who fell down,
and got up

God's grace and mercy endures forever.... that is why every time I fall down, he sends someone to help me back up.   (Thank you, Mary)

Again, it's time to get back on the branch....


John 15:5
"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.

Sigh

I have had quite a week here both at work and in my personal life....  I am trying to hang on as I type and release the emotions.   

I'm having a hard time keeping in the tears today for some reason.... I'm frustrated that words get taken out of context and feelings get hurt.   I'm sad a good friend will be leaving soon halfway across the country.... I'm distracted by things running thru my mind that take me off task at work...... I'm having a hard time smiling... But most of all, I'm having a hard time accepting the fact that I know that happiness is a choice and yet, I' choosing to be sad/overwhelmed.... SNAP OUT OF IT!! 

I believe that God has a plan and even though we have free will, he does offer you many opportunities to walk in His plan.   Is that what is happening now?   I don't know for sure.  I do know that I have been, to say the least, hesitant to open myself back up to Him.  Why?  I have to search deep inside for that answer.  I have been feeling that soft quiet voice asking me to come back...God, I don't know if I can.  And that scares me because I know that I'll be judged on that decision when I die.  (unless I've come back to my senses by that time, in which case, all will be forgiven, right?)  At least that's my hope.....

SMH...

I've been reminded often from my friend Jenn, that my last post was, at this time, nearly 2 months ago.  Why would I go and just drop off the radar?  Well, because I guess I have not had the time in my mind to even realize when I'm being thumped.  I've noticed that when I have the time to listen to my spirit, that is when I realize I'm being thumped.  Sadly, my brain has been overloaded with distractions.  I recognize that now and, at least for the moment, I plan on trying to keep my focus.  Recognize the thumps, because by doing so, I am, a small way, hearing from God. 

I use to hear from Him often.... I was not satisfied with that.  I wanted to hear from Him more.  I could not understand why I, as a willing vessel, would be deprived from hearing from Him as others I knew did.  It broke my heart.  My feelings became hurt.  As a result, my broken heart started to become hardened.  Now, it was not just that that did the hardening.  It was other things as well.  My disappointment when things I believed for did not come into fruition.  My dissappointment when those who profess to be Christians were anything but.  The old saying that just becuase you are in a garage, that does not make  you a car rings true with Christians as well.  Just because you are in church, even being very active, that does not mean you are like that all the time.   I am not saying all were like that.  I have still kept in touch with a few who, I feel, do truly care about me and my family. 

We recently started going to a new church.  It had been quite a while since I had been in any church.  Honestly, I was afraid of churches.  But I won't go into that now.  The church we have started going to is very nice.  The service we go to is casual.  I'm good with that... I'm still not opening myself up by jumping in and joining anything, but the pastor seems to be very genuine.  I'm hopeful that little by little I can start to thaw out my heart and receive what God has for me..  

I'll keep you posted :)

Snow....

Here where we live we rarely get snow.  Everywhere around us usually does, but it's as if there is a force field over our city and we are, instead, given rain, sleet, or ice.   On the rare winters when the force field is disabled and we do actually get snow, it's exciting! 

This year has been a year of surprises!  We have had several snow storms and they have dropped lots of that pretty white stuff for the kids and kids at heart to play in.  The wonder of it has grown old.  At first when Sweet Pea would see it snowing, her face would light up and she would run to the window in excitment.  Now, when she sees it snowing it does not phase her.  It's business as usual for her.

I feel there is a message there...  What am I taking for granted?
hmmmm......

So much on my mind today

I came to the hospital yesterday evening (5:00 pm) to be with my first born as they admitted her to induce her labor for her first born.  My husband predicted back in the summer months that she would have this baby on this very date.  Ironically, she was due Feb 4... and if she missed her due date, her doctor would induce her on the 5th.  But, as it turned out, her file did not make it to the scheduler in time so they could not schedule her for the 5th.... They could get her in on the 8th at 5:00 pm to begin the preliminary inducing procedure... and would induce on the 9th.... the very date Buddy predicted.  Now.... he also said 7:39 was the time and he thought he typed pm...but instead typed am... so we are hoping Russell gets here at 7:39 tonight :)

As I sit here in the room with her... I find myself reflecting on the past....  I think of how she was 7 lbs 11 oz and 19" long.... and how tiny she looked to me... How quickly time has passed.  I was 24 years old when I gave birth to her... 28 years later, in the very same hospital, she is giving birth to her first child. 

I'm so glad that I can be here for her today.  It's quite a priviledge...  I am hoping that they don't have to do a c-section so that I can be there when he is born.  (a c-section would not allow but 1 person in and her husband has that ticket).   I plan to be there with camera in hand to document the miracle of birth...