Shhh.... can you hear it?

For a few weeks now, I've been feeling that tug again.... that small, still, voice calling me to turn to Him.  He misses me.  Yet I am afraid....

I don't really know what exactly I am afraid of.  Could it be that I am afraid that, like Isaiah felt, I am unclean, therefore not worthy?  Could it be I'm afraid of being wrong?  That I'm not hearing what I think I'm hearing?  Been there before...  Could I be afraid of stepping out of my comfort zone into an area of uncomfortableness..(is that even a word?)?  Could I be afraid of looking stupid?  Well, the answer is yes to all of those fears.  

I realize that my fear comes from a lack of understanding.  It comes from not trusting Him.  But especially, it comes from not trusting ME.   I am oh so insecure in my role as a child of God.  I've sat under several doctrines that were, uhm... confusing, for lack of a better word.  I trusted and got hurt.  I believed and got confused.  So I'm gun shy, so to speak. 

I need to get back in His Word and spend time talking to Him so that I will know His voice when I hear it.  I need to get back into spending quiet time with Him.  I need to stop making excuses for why I don't... Now that I know what I need to do, it's execution time, for the kazillionth time!

Best Laid Plans.... Seriously??

When my plans get thwarted, I find myself getting irritated.  Saturday was one of those days... I had great plans...

I had made an appointment to get a massage (my hubby gave me the certicate for Valentines Day)... Decided I needed a pedi and what would be even sweeter than to stop at Micky D's and get a Mocha Frappe to enjoy while reading my book on my ipod touch?...

Sigh... plans made... what could go wrong??  Well, let me tell you....

My iPod touch needed updating.... no big deal... plenty of time... WRONG... something glitched and it needed to be totally restored to factory settings... OMG  what am I going to read now while getting my toes did??   No worries, Plan B  I'll grab a magazine and do some light reading... I can go with the flow here...

First stop... McDonalds for a tasty Frappe...  AWESOME.. there is NOBODY in the drive thru line!!  Feeling good!! ... until the attendant says... I'm sorry we can only take cash... our machines are down.. Are you kidding me?  I got no cash!!  That wasn't part of the plan..   Oh well, it's ok...  Plan B I'll just grab a tea by the nail salon... All is not lost.... humph....

Get to the salon to sign in and then go grab my tea... wait a minute... why are there so many people hanging around there? Oh no, say it isn't so... PLEASE... yup, it is ... they are slammed busy... Plan B AGAIN... I hop back in the car and hit up another salon... who takes me right away.. (how am I supposed to get my drink?)...Plan B goes into action yet again.. I'm not dying here... I can wait....

Finished up with the toes... would have been nice to have been sipping my Frappe, and reading my book loaded on my ipod, but, I'm flexible... I can adjust...  While I was there, I remembered that I had left the directions to the new location of our massage therapist at home..  No wories...Toes are done... just jump in the car and go to Walmart to grab something so I can use my debit card (and get some cash), run home to get my directions and then just ride back to McD's for my beloved Frappe... Simple enough

At Walmart, I grab a token item to purchase, run to the check out line..  wait patiently for my turn... and walah... I'm ready to check out.. get my cash... and move on... Swipe my card.... tell it I want cash (cause I also have to pay the sitter), and for some reason there was a glitch in THEIR system.... GRRR  I only made a purchase because I wanted to avoid another stop at an ATM...

SOOO... home I go to grab my directions... and next stop... ATM to ge cash... It better be working is all I can say!!!  (Not that I could do anything about it were it not working!)  WHEEEEE!   It worked... now if the traffic runs correctly, I can make a stop at McD's and get something to eat... hmmmm drive thru is slammed... I shall park and go inside to save time!!!   Well, that went well... UNTIL I decide to back out of my parking space and the non thinking people waiting for the drive thru have unnecessarily blocked me in... Deep breath... it's ok... I still have time to make it and not be late !!  Good think I am going for a massage to ease tension!!!    By the way... Dana was amazing... he even gave me extra time to make sure that the knots were relaxed and my muscles were loose!   

It seems that my plans were thwarted at every turn... I have to wonder though, what else was planned for me that has not come into fruition.  What have I been missing out on that I don't even know about.  Just curious...

Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

A Word For Me.....

This was posted on FB yesterday... Just a random post from a friend....  I receive it and welcome it..

"I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols. I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you. I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws." Ezekiel 36:25-27

Hello? Are you there?

I think I need another wire to connect with Him because, well, this one must be broken.... Hello?  Can you hear me?  Maybe if I get down on my knees I can get a better reception...  

There has been a lot going on in my life the past month or so.  I sometimes feel like I am spinning out of control and cannot find the handle to hold on to that will slow me down.  I know that He is trying to get my attention but the busyness of life is blocking the call.  It's like I'm on one side of the street and I hear Him, but just as I look, a big honking bus drives by and blocks my view.  So I keep walking down the street, in the wrong direction, clueless of my surroundings and the danger I am in.  Oh but for the grace of God and His mercy to keep me from getting into too much trouble.   

I'm reminded of Malia...  I tell her to stop doing something… and she says "OK" (so I know she hears me!) all the while continuing to do what she is being told to stop doing… I tell her again, in a little sharper tone to my voice…. And she says "OK, mommy"  and all the while continuing what she is doing… By the third time, I am getting angry because she is not listening to me.  "Seriously, Malia... I said STOP!" and the butt bumping begins...   Sigh... not unlike me and Daddy God....

I guess you are probably tired of hearing me whine and moan about how I know where I need to be, I just don't go there.  People, let me tell you, the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak... I get that analogy now.... I never understood it before...but I do now!   I WANT to be back where I was before with Him..... but it's like there is a big claw on my head turning me away from there.  That claw has been there for years.  I use to be stronger and able to fight against it.  Right now, it appears that claw is stronger than I.  What do I need to do to be able to fight back? 


Clearly, I'm doing a lot of things wrong...  I need to be stronger, and need to listen closer... I have noticed that of late I am bored with the online things that have caught my eye previously.... could it be that He is trying to get me to get back in His Word?  It has been quite a while... I think I may give that a try this evening and see.... 

 Psalm 23 (King James Version)

1The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. 2He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. 3He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

4Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. 5Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. 6Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.

Need to make some changes....

Well... we did it!  We are buying a new to us car.  We have been so cramped in our little Accent with Malia getting bigger.  My knees have a special place in the dash board on the passenger side....

If you know me, you know that I do NOT like to incur debt.  But alas, there was no other way....   My BFF is getting a new car and she is going to sell me her old one.  YIPPEE!!!  My knees will be able to move!!!  OH NO... I have incurred a commitment to a loan... what if... what if... what if...

So.... Last night, as I went to bed, it was on my mind ... but I feel better about it today.  I had a dream... first one that I can remember in a long time (I used to have them often).... in my dream I was in a church (actually it was my mom's church, sort of) and I could hear someone saying to me... Sing your praise to God and it will be ok ... So I give all glory to God for placing this opportunity in our hands.  He knew our needs and he opened a door for us.  He will provide!! 

My jouney back thru the desert.... again

sigh...

I've seemed to have a propensity to dwell in the desert... I've been going back to my cave.  My dark, cold, shelter.  It's not that I like the extreme heat or cold... but it appears;  from my actions these past few months, that I've grown weaker instead of stronger in my faith.  It's like I am fluttering in the wind.. a dry lifeless leaf that has fallen from the tree.  The very tree that provided life (and still would had I not allowed the winds to blow me away). 

The past few months I have felt that I've been blocked in my writing.  That is because I have been blocked.   I have lost focus of my faith, my purpose, and my God.  I have been more engrossed in playing with my iPod touch than spending time in the word.  I have been more engrossed with anything to keep my mind occupied to the point that I was not even noticing the random thumps on the head.  He has been waiting patiently for me, though.  He is a gentleman and will not force Himself on me. 

So.... I start my journey once again... for the umpteenth time.  One thing that does keep flowing thru my mind is a song by Donnie McClurkin  

We fall down, but we get up
We fall down, but we get up
We fall down, but we get up
For a saint is just a sinner who fell down,
and got up

God's grace and mercy endures forever.... that is why every time I fall down, he sends someone to help me back up.   (Thank you, Mary)

Again, it's time to get back on the branch....


John 15:5
"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.

Sigh

I have had quite a week here both at work and in my personal life....  I am trying to hang on as I type and release the emotions.   

I'm having a hard time keeping in the tears today for some reason.... I'm frustrated that words get taken out of context and feelings get hurt.   I'm sad a good friend will be leaving soon halfway across the country.... I'm distracted by things running thru my mind that take me off task at work...... I'm having a hard time smiling... But most of all, I'm having a hard time accepting the fact that I know that happiness is a choice and yet, I' choosing to be sad/overwhelmed.... SNAP OUT OF IT!! 

I believe that God has a plan and even though we have free will, he does offer you many opportunities to walk in His plan.   Is that what is happening now?   I don't know for sure.  I do know that I have been, to say the least, hesitant to open myself back up to Him.  Why?  I have to search deep inside for that answer.  I have been feeling that soft quiet voice asking me to come back...God, I don't know if I can.  And that scares me because I know that I'll be judged on that decision when I die.  (unless I've come back to my senses by that time, in which case, all will be forgiven, right?)  At least that's my hope.....