The sleep that evades me is so desperately needed
The dreams that follow keep me in confusion
The people I dream of
Friends of the past life
I lived many years ago
I have to wonder why
Why are they sitting at the table with me?
What is the relevance to it all; I have to ponder.
The people that drift in and out of my dreams are from so many years ago
We are breaking bread together
Are we at the Lord’s table, per chance?
Is this God’s way of letting me know my fears
My deepest fear
Is for naught?
That forgiveness is abundant
Much like the feast that I attend with my friends
Am I being shown these people for a reason,
Or is it simply chance?
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Monday, March 19, 2012
Weary
Truth will prevail, but only if you allow it to
What truths are you afraid to see, my child?
Are you afraid that maybe, just maybe, you have been wrong?
Are you afraid that maybe, just maybe I am real?
Are you fearful that my love for you has been voided by your disbelief?
Your fear is seen by Me
I want to help you overcome and be a conqueror
Meet me halfway I will be there to guide you
My hand is outstretched and waiting to grab you from the pit
Trust me
Believe in me
Abide in me and I will give you rest
Oh God, I am fearful
The forces that have taken hold of me are stronger than I can fight
I’ve tried for years, Lord
I’ve tried for year to no avail.
The more I fight and call on Jesus, the stronger they appear
It is only when I stop that they stop
It’s like that chains that bind are tighter as I fight and relax when I stop
Only to allow me to go deeper in the pit
The grip on my mind is like a claw of the raven, resting on my skull
Piercing deep into the flesh and into my brain
I’m afraid to fight anymore.
I’m too weak
What truths are you afraid to see, my child?
Are you afraid that maybe, just maybe, you have been wrong?
Are you afraid that maybe, just maybe I am real?
Are you fearful that my love for you has been voided by your disbelief?
Your fear is seen by Me
I want to help you overcome and be a conqueror
Meet me halfway I will be there to guide you
My hand is outstretched and waiting to grab you from the pit
Trust me
Believe in me
Abide in me and I will give you rest
Oh God, I am fearful
The forces that have taken hold of me are stronger than I can fight
I’ve tried for years, Lord
I’ve tried for year to no avail.
The more I fight and call on Jesus, the stronger they appear
It is only when I stop that they stop
It’s like that chains that bind are tighter as I fight and relax when I stop
Only to allow me to go deeper in the pit
The grip on my mind is like a claw of the raven, resting on my skull
Piercing deep into the flesh and into my brain
I’m afraid to fight anymore.
I’m too weak
Monday, March 12, 2012
Direction
Oh my gosh so much to do so much to say so much to accomplish in such a short time
My mind is like a humming bird flitting from one thought to another
Once again out of control with all the possibilities
The options that lay before me are vast
Too vast in as much as I am overwhelmed with which way to go
I need to stop and focus
Yet I cannot
My mind won’t let me
So I drift hither and yon in my mind
Getting caught in the crevices of what could be and what will be and what is now
The list grows longer with every thought
Lord, help me to focus on what is most important at this time. Help me to prioritize and not lose track of what I need to do.
Direct my path, Lord.
Direct my path
My mind is like a humming bird flitting from one thought to another
Once again out of control with all the possibilities
The options that lay before me are vast
Too vast in as much as I am overwhelmed with which way to go
I need to stop and focus
Yet I cannot
My mind won’t let me
So I drift hither and yon in my mind
Getting caught in the crevices of what could be and what will be and what is now
The list grows longer with every thought
Lord, help me to focus on what is most important at this time. Help me to prioritize and not lose track of what I need to do.
Direct my path, Lord.
Direct my path
Monday, February 27, 2012
Wheels of my mind
The wheels of my mind are spinning almost out of control.
They have dug ruts in the miry clay that seem to keep me captive
Ruts that represent my failed aspirations and desires
Deeper and deeper they become
I’m stuck
As I dream of using my gifts and talents to help support those that I love;
I see that all I’m doing is dreaming.
The challenges I come against are typically self induced.
Distractions
Lack of focus
Lack of belief... in my myself
Excitement turns to fear
Fear that only helps to distract even more.
The only option is to push through.
To regain focus
To trust that what is in my heart
To believe in my self
Lord, I pray that you will help me to make some sense of the mess in my mind. That you will clear my thoughts and help me to become more focused and know what I am to do. Give me clear direction so that I am not simply spinning my wheels and going nowhere.
They have dug ruts in the miry clay that seem to keep me captive
Ruts that represent my failed aspirations and desires
Deeper and deeper they become
I’m stuck
As I dream of using my gifts and talents to help support those that I love;
I see that all I’m doing is dreaming.
The challenges I come against are typically self induced.
Distractions
Lack of focus
Lack of belief... in my myself
Excitement turns to fear
Fear that only helps to distract even more.
The only option is to push through.
To regain focus
To trust that what is in my heart
To believe in my self
Lord, I pray that you will help me to make some sense of the mess in my mind. That you will clear my thoughts and help me to become more focused and know what I am to do. Give me clear direction so that I am not simply spinning my wheels and going nowhere.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
It's a choice
I've been MIA, I know. Lots of distractions. I was at work yesterday and just simply closed my eyes, and typed. This is what came from that action
As I look in the mirror of my mind I see images of the past
The past that seems to have forged my future
The past that seems to have defined my now
I carry the burdens of those images deep within my very soul
The hurt,
The pain
The disappointment
But even now, I am choosing to look past the images and dwell instead on the happier times
To focus on those who did not make me feel less than I am
To focus on those who encourage me
To remember the laughter
The smiles
The joy.
People come and go in our lives. That is a constant
However, how you let them define you; well that is all on you.
What will you do with the paths that have crossed yours?
The paths of those who have let you down…
I simply choose to nod, smile and move on
There is a world where love is abounding. I am sure that is so.
Am I ready to go there? No.
I have much left to share with others.
I have my gifts and talents.
Some of which I have not yet tapped in to.
I pray to you, Oh God, to please help me to focus on the positive. Help me to look past the indifference and the falseness that is around me. I am a cracked vessel and I need your loving stitches to mend me, to heal me and to make me whole again.
As I look in the mirror of my mind I see images of the past
The past that seems to have forged my future
The past that seems to have defined my now
I carry the burdens of those images deep within my very soul
The hurt,
The pain
The disappointment
But even now, I am choosing to look past the images and dwell instead on the happier times
To focus on those who did not make me feel less than I am
To focus on those who encourage me
To remember the laughter
The smiles
The joy.
People come and go in our lives. That is a constant
However, how you let them define you; well that is all on you.
What will you do with the paths that have crossed yours?
The paths of those who have let you down…
I simply choose to nod, smile and move on
There is a world where love is abounding. I am sure that is so.
Am I ready to go there? No.
I have much left to share with others.
I have my gifts and talents.
Some of which I have not yet tapped in to.
I pray to you, Oh God, to please help me to focus on the positive. Help me to look past the indifference and the falseness that is around me. I am a cracked vessel and I need your loving stitches to mend me, to heal me and to make me whole again.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Shhh.... can you hear it?
For a few weeks now, I've been feeling that tug again.... that small, still, voice calling me to turn to Him. He misses me. Yet I am afraid....
I don't really know what exactly I am afraid of. Could it be that I am afraid that, like Isaiah felt, I am unclean, therefore not worthy? Could it be I'm afraid of being wrong? That I'm not hearing what I think I'm hearing? Been there before... Could I be afraid of stepping out of my comfort zone into an area of uncomfortableness..(is that even a word?)? Could I be afraid of looking stupid? Well, the answer is yes to all of those fears.
I realize that my fear comes from a lack of understanding. It comes from not trusting Him. But especially, it comes from not trusting ME. I am oh so insecure in my role as a child of God. I've sat under several doctrines that were, uhm... confusing, for lack of a better word. I trusted and got hurt. I believed and got confused. So I'm gun shy, so to speak.
I need to get back in His Word and spend time talking to Him so that I will know His voice when I hear it. I need to get back into spending quiet time with Him. I need to stop making excuses for why I don't... Now that I know what I need to do, it's execution time, for the kazillionth time!
I don't really know what exactly I am afraid of. Could it be that I am afraid that, like Isaiah felt, I am unclean, therefore not worthy? Could it be I'm afraid of being wrong? That I'm not hearing what I think I'm hearing? Been there before... Could I be afraid of stepping out of my comfort zone into an area of uncomfortableness..(is that even a word?)? Could I be afraid of looking stupid? Well, the answer is yes to all of those fears.
I realize that my fear comes from a lack of understanding. It comes from not trusting Him. But especially, it comes from not trusting ME. I am oh so insecure in my role as a child of God. I've sat under several doctrines that were, uhm... confusing, for lack of a better word. I trusted and got hurt. I believed and got confused. So I'm gun shy, so to speak.
I need to get back in His Word and spend time talking to Him so that I will know His voice when I hear it. I need to get back into spending quiet time with Him. I need to stop making excuses for why I don't... Now that I know what I need to do, it's execution time, for the kazillionth time!
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Best Laid Plans.... Seriously??
When my plans get thwarted, I find myself getting irritated. Saturday was one of those days... I had great plans...
I had made an appointment to get a massage (my hubby gave me the certicate for Valentines Day)... Decided I needed a pedi and what would be even sweeter than to stop at Micky D's and get a Mocha Frappe to enjoy while reading my book on my ipod touch?...
Sigh... plans made... what could go wrong?? Well, let me tell you....
My iPod touch needed updating.... no big deal... plenty of time... WRONG... something glitched and it needed to be totally restored to factory settings... OMG what am I going to read now while getting my toes did?? No worries, Plan B I'll grab a magazine and do some light reading... I can go with the flow here...
First stop... McDonalds for a tasty Frappe... AWESOME.. there is NOBODY in the drive thru line!! Feeling good!! ... until the attendant says... I'm sorry we can only take cash... our machines are down.. Are you kidding me? I got no cash!! That wasn't part of the plan.. Oh well, it's ok... Plan B I'll just grab a tea by the nail salon... All is not lost.... humph....
Get to the salon to sign in and then go grab my tea... wait a minute... why are there so many people hanging around there? Oh no, say it isn't so... PLEASE... yup, it is ... they are slammed busy... Plan B AGAIN... I hop back in the car and hit up another salon... who takes me right away.. (how am I supposed to get my drink?)...Plan B goes into action yet again.. I'm not dying here... I can wait....
Finished up with the toes... would have been nice to have been sipping my Frappe, and reading my book loaded on my ipod, but, I'm flexible... I can adjust... While I was there, I remembered that I had left the directions to the new location of our massage therapist at home.. No wories...Toes are done... just jump in the car and go to Walmart to grab something so I can use my debit card (and get some cash), run home to get my directions and then just ride back to McD's for my beloved Frappe... Simple enough
At Walmart, I grab a token item to purchase, run to the check out line.. wait patiently for my turn... and walah... I'm ready to check out.. get my cash... and move on... Swipe my card.... tell it I want cash (cause I also have to pay the sitter), and for some reason there was a glitch in THEIR system.... GRRR I only made a purchase because I wanted to avoid another stop at an ATM...
SOOO... home I go to grab my directions... and next stop... ATM to ge cash... It better be working is all I can say!!! (Not that I could do anything about it were it not working!) WHEEEEE! It worked... now if the traffic runs correctly, I can make a stop at McD's and get something to eat... hmmmm drive thru is slammed... I shall park and go inside to save time!!! Well, that went well... UNTIL I decide to back out of my parking space and the non thinking people waiting for the drive thru have unnecessarily blocked me in... Deep breath... it's ok... I still have time to make it and not be late !! Good think I am going for a massage to ease tension!!! By the way... Dana was amazing... he even gave me extra time to make sure that the knots were relaxed and my muscles were loose!
It seems that my plans were thwarted at every turn... I have to wonder though, what else was planned for me that has not come into fruition. What have I been missing out on that I don't even know about. Just curious...
Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
I had made an appointment to get a massage (my hubby gave me the certicate for Valentines Day)... Decided I needed a pedi and what would be even sweeter than to stop at Micky D's and get a Mocha Frappe to enjoy while reading my book on my ipod touch?...
Sigh... plans made... what could go wrong?? Well, let me tell you....
My iPod touch needed updating.... no big deal... plenty of time... WRONG... something glitched and it needed to be totally restored to factory settings... OMG what am I going to read now while getting my toes did?? No worries, Plan B I'll grab a magazine and do some light reading... I can go with the flow here...
First stop... McDonalds for a tasty Frappe... AWESOME.. there is NOBODY in the drive thru line!! Feeling good!! ... until the attendant says... I'm sorry we can only take cash... our machines are down.. Are you kidding me? I got no cash!! That wasn't part of the plan.. Oh well, it's ok... Plan B I'll just grab a tea by the nail salon... All is not lost.... humph....
Get to the salon to sign in and then go grab my tea... wait a minute... why are there so many people hanging around there? Oh no, say it isn't so... PLEASE... yup, it is ... they are slammed busy... Plan B AGAIN... I hop back in the car and hit up another salon... who takes me right away.. (how am I supposed to get my drink?)...Plan B goes into action yet again.. I'm not dying here... I can wait....
Finished up with the toes... would have been nice to have been sipping my Frappe, and reading my book loaded on my ipod, but, I'm flexible... I can adjust... While I was there, I remembered that I had left the directions to the new location of our massage therapist at home.. No wories...Toes are done... just jump in the car and go to Walmart to grab something so I can use my debit card (and get some cash), run home to get my directions and then just ride back to McD's for my beloved Frappe... Simple enough
At Walmart, I grab a token item to purchase, run to the check out line.. wait patiently for my turn... and walah... I'm ready to check out.. get my cash... and move on... Swipe my card.... tell it I want cash (cause I also have to pay the sitter), and for some reason there was a glitch in THEIR system.... GRRR I only made a purchase because I wanted to avoid another stop at an ATM...
SOOO... home I go to grab my directions... and next stop... ATM to ge cash... It better be working is all I can say!!! (Not that I could do anything about it were it not working!) WHEEEEE! It worked... now if the traffic runs correctly, I can make a stop at McD's and get something to eat... hmmmm drive thru is slammed... I shall park and go inside to save time!!! Well, that went well... UNTIL I decide to back out of my parking space and the non thinking people waiting for the drive thru have unnecessarily blocked me in... Deep breath... it's ok... I still have time to make it and not be late !! Good think I am going for a massage to ease tension!!! By the way... Dana was amazing... he even gave me extra time to make sure that the knots were relaxed and my muscles were loose!
It seems that my plans were thwarted at every turn... I have to wonder though, what else was planned for me that has not come into fruition. What have I been missing out on that I don't even know about. Just curious...
Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
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