As I indicated on my very first post, this was going to be used as a vehicle to journal my thumps on the head, my "V-8" moments, if you will. This may be a long journey, so bear with me!
The past few years have been years of one blow after another. My faith walk had wavered. I use to talk a good talk, but in reality, I was growing weaker and weaker. Finally, I was floundering around in a sea all alone.
I compare it to the time we went snorkeling in Grand Cayman. I am afraid of the water. I don’t like to not be able to stand and touch the bottom. I can swim, but not well because I have not practiced in decades. I hear that snorkeling is a beautiful experience. I tried to be brave and face my fear. I put on the tiny blow up life vest. Next I put on the mask and put the mouth piece in. Others around me were jumping in the water. Not me. I eased myself in. I was careful not to allow the water to go over my head. Ok, I was in. I’m not sinking. This is not too bad. I look around and I see are people are having fun and diving down to see the beauty that is below. I’m going to do it. I am going to put my face in the water. As I look down, I see the coral reef and the pretty fish. Then my head kicks in and I remember that I cannot touch the bottom. I can see it, but I can’t touch it. I’ve had enough. It’s time to put my feet on something solid. As luck would have it, about the time that I decide to doggie paddle my way back the 10 feet (or less) to the boat, someone jumps in and the splash causes water to cover my head. Hey, this thing is supposed to keep me up above the water. What happened? Panic sets in. I’m trying to be cool and not let anyone see that I am afraid, but it is all over my face. I had to have help getting back in the boat.
Let’s look at this in the spirit realm. I know how to swim (pray), but don’t practice it, therefore I am weak. I have to put on a life vest (my faith) that I self inflate. Instead of trusting God, I take things into my own hands. I try to come up with plan B and C just in case God’s plan does not work. I have to have help getting back into the boat. Just like when I have to have help when my faith wavers. My brothers and sisters in the Lord interceded on my behalf.
God wants me to trust him with my very life. Not with just the little things. He wants me to trust him to be my absolute provider. My prayer the first eight months was to please heal my husband so he can go back to work at UPS. I am very comfortable with his wages and the benefits. Therefore, I am not allowing God to show me that He is my provider, not UPS.
I compare it to the time we went snorkeling in Grand Cayman. I am afraid of the water. I don’t like to not be able to stand and touch the bottom. I can swim, but not well because I have not practiced in decades. I hear that snorkeling is a beautiful experience. I tried to be brave and face my fear. I put on the tiny blow up life vest. Next I put on the mask and put the mouth piece in. Others around me were jumping in the water. Not me. I eased myself in. I was careful not to allow the water to go over my head. Ok, I was in. I’m not sinking. This is not too bad. I look around and I see are people are having fun and diving down to see the beauty that is below. I’m going to do it. I am going to put my face in the water. As I look down, I see the coral reef and the pretty fish. Then my head kicks in and I remember that I cannot touch the bottom. I can see it, but I can’t touch it. I’ve had enough. It’s time to put my feet on something solid. As luck would have it, about the time that I decide to doggie paddle my way back the 10 feet (or less) to the boat, someone jumps in and the splash causes water to cover my head. Hey, this thing is supposed to keep me up above the water. What happened? Panic sets in. I’m trying to be cool and not let anyone see that I am afraid, but it is all over my face. I had to have help getting back in the boat.
Let’s look at this in the spirit realm. I know how to swim (pray), but don’t practice it, therefore I am weak. I have to put on a life vest (my faith) that I self inflate. Instead of trusting God, I take things into my own hands. I try to come up with plan B and C just in case God’s plan does not work. I have to have help getting back into the boat. Just like when I have to have help when my faith wavers. My brothers and sisters in the Lord interceded on my behalf.
God wants me to trust him with my very life. Not with just the little things. He wants me to trust him to be my absolute provider. My prayer the first eight months was to please heal my husband so he can go back to work at UPS. I am very comfortable with his wages and the benefits. Therefore, I am not allowing God to show me that He is my provider, not UPS.
When I realized that healing was not in the works, I was then counting on the insurance settlement. I mean, that accident was not my husbands fault and it has kept him from working at UPS. Well... that was a disappointment. That doctor had a better attorney than we did and our attorney ended up with more than us. Again, we were trusing in another source to provide.
So, our next step was to file for Social Security Disabilty Insurance. What a joke. With SS, if you can breathe, you can work. He was denied the customary two times and we were in line for a hearing to plead his case. A big hiccup... since, in the interium of being denied and waiting for the hearing, we were awarded custody of our granddaughter. The attorney we hired indicated that SS would feel if my husband can take care of her during the day while I am at work, he can work. Yet, another plan to provide income to our home had been squashed. So we withdrew our case. Our grandbaby is worth so much more than money.
Bottom line, I have not been allowing God to move us to the next level. I know He is saying... Cindy, have I not taken care of you thus far? Have I not provided all your needs? Look back and see what I have done for you.
He knows the plans that He has for us, thoughts of peace and not of evil to give us an expected end. (Jeremiah 29:11) I realize that I have to release that chapter in my life and allow another chapter to unfold. To do that means that I have to change. First off, I have to trust Him. To trust Him, I have to know Him. To know Him, I have to commune with Him. That requires that I take the time to pray and talk with Him. To study His word and see how it relates to my life at this time. I have to pray that His will be done. Not mine. He sees the big picture. He knows what is in store for me and for us as a family. Sometimes life will splash over my head, but I have to trust that He will protect me.
(picture from the Campbell Soup Company)
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